Marsupials

After discussing what qualifies an animal to be a marsupial:

Baseball player: Rach, you're a marsupial. Know why? Because you have a fanny pack. And that's technically a pouch.

Who Needs Kidneys, Anyways?

Soccer girl: I got a kidney infection once when I was a kid. I hated going to the bathroom. Such a waste of time. Still is.

Step-Apostle

Question of the day:

Which two of the New Testament Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) do not tell the story of Jesus' birth?

Answer: Mark and John

Baseball player: Ugh. I thought it was Luke. No one ever talks about him. He's like the step-brother in that family.

Jewish "12 Days of Christmas"

Baseball player: But I'm Jewish. Oh, wait. I got it- (singing in tune)  On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a 401k invested nicely!

Rapping

At the national tournament dinner in California:

Soccer girl: Yeah, [coach's name], you should be a rapper. Here, I'll get you going. You need an intro. How about "My name's T.P. I ain't toilet paper but I am the shit!"?

Baseball Diet

Baseball guy: I'm tryin' to make you 6'3", 230 pounds of jacked and you repay me by drinking A-1? Lift up your shirt and show them what one Coke does to a body.

All-Over Support

Soccer girl: I hate playing soccer without a sports bra. I'm tempted to go to the training room and just tape myself.

West Texas vs. Social Norms

Background on my university - we are a business school. The only majors offered are in the business world and that's it. With that said, there are a lot of presentations, which means people have to dress up to make these presentations. A baseball guy comes in, visibly upset about how his presentation went. He is in a stiff white shirt, tie, dark wash jeans, and boots (this is necessary info, promise).

Baseball player: Rachel, does it look like I've cleaned up? I mean, I look nice, right? 

Me: Yeah...

Baseball player: Well, I just got done giving a kick-ass presentation, only I got a B because the professor said that I wasn't "dressed professionally". I don't know what she means; I'm from West Texas for crying out loud! This is dressed up. I can say that I spent more time starching my jeans than she did getting ready this morning.

Always Entertaining

Visiting soccer guy (soccer guy #1) comes into the training room before the game to get pre-game treatment. I hook him up to the e-stim machine and a heat pack. His friend (soccer guy #2) is on the next table and finishes his treatment about 30 seconds before soccer guy #1.

Me: (Looking at soccer guy #2) That beep means you're done.
Soccer guy #1 starts peeling the still-active electrodes off and gets them stuck to his fingers.
Me: (Looking at soccer guy #1) Don't touch those. You're not done yet.
Soccer guy #1: What do you mea-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! What's going on!!?!?! Aaaahhhh!!!!

Karaoke

Baseball guy #1: I guess you'd say, what can make me feel this way? WAAAAATERRRRR!!! Talkin' 'bout WATER!

Baseball guys #2-4: OOOOOOoooooOOOOOO yeah, WATER!

Baseball guy #1: (now singing much higher) OOOOOOOOO, BABY! YEEEEEEAHHH....WATER!

Blessings From Above

Soccer guy: Look, guys! A tumbleweed! Come to us, tumbleweed, come and bestow your blessing upon us.
Tumbleweed tumbles over, brushes past a couple of them, and then continues on its way.
Soccer guy: We have all been blessed by the tumbleweed.

National Anthem

While listening to the National Anthem before the game:

Soccer guy: Jose? Who's Jose?

Proposal?

‎"I want to marry your hands." - track guy to me during one of my deep tissue massages

A Whole New Meaning To "Sweat It Out"

Soccer girl: Rachel, you know when your bladder is really full and you have to pee really bad? If you just ran around and made yourself sweat a lot, could you sweat it out and then not have to go anymore?

Possible Career as a Contortionist?

Softball girl: Hey, Rach. I have a problem.

Me: Details?

Softball girl: So last night I was sitting Indian-style on my bed and I dislocated my ankle. It flipped up. I popped it back in, but it kinda hurts now. What should I do?

Satan's Breath

Baseball player: It feels like Satan's breath is blowing on my butt. He's just standing behind me going *wheeeeeeeeeze*, *wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze* [referring to sitting on a hot pack].

Intelligent Life?

I'm doing some therapeutic ultrasound on one of my baseball boys' legs. He's a little on the hairy side. After watching me for a bit, he looks at his leg and then at me:

"Looks like crop circles. Crop circles on my groin. Oh yeah!"

Geography 101

Question of the Day: What is the only state to accept pennies when paying on a toll road?

Hint: It's a state in the Midwest.

Soccer girl #1: Idaho

Soccer girl #2: Washington 

Soccer girl #3: Canada

Answer: Illinois

Later that same day, some baseball guys show up:

Baseabll guy #1: Utah
Me: Utah is not considered part of the Midwest.
Baseball guy #2: Oh man, dude, you're so dumb.
Me: I can Googlemap it and prove it to you.
Baseball guy #1: Fine. Google it.
Me: Here, look at this: Google image results for "The Midwest"
Baseball guy #1: Whatever, that's dumb. Doesn't make any sense.
Baseball guy #2: It's because when the original colonies were first settled,  it was all on the East Coast. Then, as expansion happened, everything relative to the original 13 colonies was considered "west". The region we know as "The Midwest" is really that because everything west of the Mississippi River was "The West" to people then. Come on, dude.

"Mexican Lessons"

The gates to the soccer field are locked. They're pretty easy to climb over, so most of the team has done that. A few stragglers have stayed behind.

Soccer girl 1: Come on, [soccer girl 2], you can do it! You're Mexican. This should be no problem for you!
Soccer girl 2: Hey, I'm only half Mexican. Rivers are no problem but fences came later. I never made it that far in the lessons!

I Love Animals

We have come to the end of our Belgium adventure. This last little gem is something that I overheard while we were eating at The Troubadour. Chloe, one of the workers at Leuven City Hostel (shameless plug, I know) recommended it to us. She takes her parents there when they come to visit. Works for us! Now, onto the reason that y'all are here:

"It's like I'm french-kissing an ox!"

Now I'll add context. Back story: one of the guys decides to order "ossetong in madeirasaus". That's Dutch for "ox tongue with Madeira sauce".

On a side note, ox tongue is actually pretty good. And technically, if we are using that logic, I have french kissed an ox as well.

Human Anatomy

I pulled a muscle in my back... the sacrum. No, no, now I remember...the lumbar.


For those of you unfamiliar with the anatomy of the low back:


The Sacrum
The Lumbar

Restroom Activities

Waiting for one of the athletes to come out of the restroom:

Sorry I was late guys. I was just sitting there and I got internet on my iTouch.

Steroids

Jesus is my HGH. Human growth Jesus.

I'm Baaaaack

So after spending a month as a track nomad in Belgium, I am back and will be updating this bad boy regularly again. In the spirit of my recent adventure, the next few weeks will be some of the gems that I overheard on my trip.


Rach

Wigs

It's the last day in Alabama. We are driving down Belt Line (which, is strange because I leave Texas, where I both live and work off of Belt Line, only to come to Alabama and find that our hotel and softball games will be on Belt Line) and I overhear this gem:

Softball player 1: Two wig stores on the same street? That's kind of weird.
Softball player 2: It's the South. That's all they do here is wear wigs.

Who Says We're Fat?

It's getting to be the end of our stay here in beautiful Decatur, AL. We have eaten out every meal since lunch on Monday, and since Northwood is paying for the meals, the girls tend to get the more expensive things on the menu and eat all of it because, well, why not?


Softball player 1: Guys, I feel so fat.
Softball player 2: We aren't fat, just heavy eaters.

If I Were an Animal

The softball girls have all assigned themselves a different animal based on personality and appearance. After five months of working with them, I have been given an animal.


Softball player: Rach, it took some thought, but I have finally figured out your animal. It just hit me -  you're an otter!!
Me: Why an otter?
Softball player: Well...you're kinda cute. And kinda muscle-y. And kinda chill. And really slim.


So, there you have it. I'm an otter.

Guys Named Ben

Softball player 1: When I hear the name Ben, I think of a guy with a collared shirt that is tucked into his pants, which have been pulled up really high, and carries a satchel. 

Softball player 2: Honestly, guys, I think male-pattern baldness.

Sorry to all you Ben's out there. 

Awkward, the Second Act

The NAIA holds a banquet for all of the teams at the softball national tournament. To help get people up and interacting with others, they had a scavenger hunt with questions like, "Find someone who was born in the same month as you."; or "Find someone who is an only child."


Not-NU-Softball girl: Hey guys, could you look at my sheet and sign whatever you can?
NU Softball girl: "Same color underwear"? What color underwear are you wearing?
Not-NU girl: I don't know; I'm colorblind.
NU girl: No you're not.
Not-NU girl: I swear I don't know what color it is. Here, look and see. *Unbuttons her pants, lowers them some, and then pulls her underwear up to show us*


Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into.

Cows of the World

Location: Logan's Steakhouse (same lunchtime as the peanuts conversation):
The girls are discussing/googling the difference between Angus steak and sirloin steak.


Softball girl: Oh, so Angus is Scottish. I'm eating Scottish cow? I wonder how they moo.

Peanuts

Softball won the Red River Athletic Conference so I will be spending the next eight to ten days (depending on how we do in round-robin play) in Decatur, AL as we compete at Nationals. This means lots of quality time spent together, which means more material for my blog. 


Location: Logan's Steakhouse 


Softball girl 1: I've had, like, five pounds of peanuts. Do you think peanuts digest like corn?
Softball girl 2: What the heck do you mean?
Softball girl 1: You know... with corn you chew and chew and chew but you still know that you've had corn. You know...


Esta es mi vida.

Stupid Human Tricks

Most people have it, that one thing they can do with some part of their body that most people can't. For some, it's a crazy double-joint, an old injury that never healed properly, or feats of amazing flexibility (I'm looking at you dancers/gymnasts/cheerleaders). 


Softball girl 1: Hey Rach! Look what I can do! (Proceeds to pull her arm down, making her arm look like this, but with a bigger gap)
Softball girl 2: Why would you show the trainer something like that? "Hey Rachel, watch me break my arm!" That's so stupid.
Softball girl 1: But it is pretty cool, huh, Rach?

T-Swift

Baseball player: It is never okay to fist pump to Taylor Swift.


Agreed, sir, agreed.

Deep Thoughts

Baseball player: I wonder if Martha got a prision tattoo. Spider web on her elbow. Legit.

Brain Power

Baseball player 1: You know how we only use 10% of our brains? What do you think we could do if we used more?
Baseball player 2: I would toss people around using only my mind. Or control my leg hair.
Baseball player 1: I bet I could make my leg hair turn into caterpillars.


Sometimes there are just no words.

Awkward

I'm pretty good about letting awkward moments roll of my back, much like water off a duck. But there are some moments that the only appropriate response is, "Well, this is happening." This particular story has a bit of an intro. Stick with me; it's worth it.


A pitcher on the visiting team gets drilled with a ball just above his knee. He drops to the ground and the umpire stops play. I jog out to the mound just in time for the pitcher to get up and start to walk it off. Here is where it gets good:


Me: You alright? Anything broken? Blood? 
Pitcher: *Drops pants. Standing on the mound in nothing but see-through white sliders and a jock strap*
Visiting coach: Wow, I've never seen him drop his pants so quickly before. You're good.


After I get back to my dugout, the guys are howling. 


Baseball guy 1: Did you tell him do drop trou? 
Me: Nope. That was all him.
Baseball guy 2: Dude, that guy totally just showed you what he was working with. You should have pointed and laughed.

Save Second Base

Softball player watches her teammate dive into second to avoid a tag:


Softball player: She really needs to learn how to dive without belly-flopping. She's gonna pop a boob for sure.

Welcome to Texas

Pitcher comes in with a pulled hamstring. We are talking about what would be an expected timetable for recovery and what to expect along the way.


Pitcher: I don't care what you do to me, Rach! I just need to be able to two-step again! If I can't pitch this summer, that's fine. I just have to be able to do lifts and spin. Get me back to two-stepping!!


Only in Texas

Tanning While Pregnant

Some softball girls discussing whether or not it was a good idea to tan while pregnant:

Softball girl 1: So do you think tanning would be good, even though she's pregnant?
Softball girl 2: No way, man. That's like putting a baby in the microwave.
Softball girl 3: Yeah, it burns the ovaries.

Shoulder Labrums

Shoulders are tricky - lots of mobility, lots of muscles, and lots of things that could go wrong. Baseball players often find that out early in their careers and spend the rest of their days slapping band-aids on a leaky dam in hopes of preventing a total disaster. When all else fails, go to the internet.


Baseball player 1: Dude....my labrum is shot. 
Baseball player 2: Ebay labrum.

"Oh, my bad, Rach. I forgot you were there."

I love my athletes. They have the ability to make my head hurt, but at the end of the day, I really do love them. On days when I'm overwhelmed by the busy paperwork aspect of the job, I can always count on them for a laugh. Most of the time they go out of their way to make me laugh, but sometimes, they forget I'm there. And those times, my friends, are my personal favorites.


That is why I have created this blog - to share those moments that just make my day. If you hear or see a good one, pass it along. Just make sure it doesn't break HIPPA laws.


Rach