Ready to Go

Getting ready for the conference final playoff:
Women's soccer player: I've had two massages from Rachel and I've pooped. I'm ready to go!

Bananas

Soccer player: Rach, I have a problem. I'm all clogged up. I haven't pooped in two days. I think it's because I ate way too many bananas.
Me: How many have you had?
Soccer player: Like...four a day. I'm trying to stay hydrated!!
Me: Have you had any water to drink outside of practices?
Soccer player: No...I thought I'd be okay if I just ate bananas.

Chicken - The Other Red Meat

I'm back! After a long hiatus (thanks to baseball postseason, softball postseason, and a mission trip), I will be sharing more shenanigans, hi-jinx, and otherwise unbelievable things that my athletes do and say. 

Today's gem is brought to you by the women's soccer team.

Me: [Giving advice about what to eat and not eat during our three-a-days stretch] Stay away for heavy foods, like lots of red meat, cream sauces, or anything fried.

Soccer player: So, wait. Is chicken considered a red meat?

It's going to be a fun year :)

Drugs

Soccer girl: Oh my gosh, Rachel. I'm so drugged out of my mind right now. I took Nyquil at 11am since I couldn't sleep last night. Like, I'm so tired that I can't sleep but I want to. So now I'm here because I thought we had practice at 2 but we don't. It's at 4. But I feel fuzzy. [Pause] I think I'm going to go stick my head in the ice machine for a while. That will help.

Soccer 101

The team had to run punishment sprints at the end of practice -

Soccer girl: Where's the six yard box?

Who Needs Kidneys, Anyways?

Soccer girl: I got a kidney infection once when I was a kid. I hated going to the bathroom. Such a waste of time. Still is.

Rapping

At the national tournament dinner in California:

Soccer girl: Yeah, [coach's name], you should be a rapper. Here, I'll get you going. You need an intro. How about "My name's T.P. I ain't toilet paper but I am the shit!"?

All-Over Support

Soccer girl: I hate playing soccer without a sports bra. I'm tempted to go to the training room and just tape myself.

A Whole New Meaning To "Sweat It Out"

Soccer girl: Rachel, you know when your bladder is really full and you have to pee really bad? If you just ran around and made yourself sweat a lot, could you sweat it out and then not have to go anymore?

Geography 101

Question of the Day: What is the only state to accept pennies when paying on a toll road?

Hint: It's a state in the Midwest.

Soccer girl #1: Idaho

Soccer girl #2: Washington 

Soccer girl #3: Canada

Answer: Illinois

Later that same day, some baseball guys show up:

Baseabll guy #1: Utah
Me: Utah is not considered part of the Midwest.
Baseball guy #2: Oh man, dude, you're so dumb.
Me: I can Googlemap it and prove it to you.
Baseball guy #1: Fine. Google it.
Me: Here, look at this: Google image results for "The Midwest"
Baseball guy #1: Whatever, that's dumb. Doesn't make any sense.
Baseball guy #2: It's because when the original colonies were first settled,  it was all on the East Coast. Then, as expansion happened, everything relative to the original 13 colonies was considered "west". The region we know as "The Midwest" is really that because everything west of the Mississippi River was "The West" to people then. Come on, dude.

"Mexican Lessons"

The gates to the soccer field are locked. They're pretty easy to climb over, so most of the team has done that. A few stragglers have stayed behind.

Soccer girl 1: Come on, [soccer girl 2], you can do it! You're Mexican. This should be no problem for you!
Soccer girl 2: Hey, I'm only half Mexican. Rivers are no problem but fences came later. I never made it that far in the lessons!