Weight Loss

Baseball player #1: Oh, wow. This can't be right. Between this scale and that scale, I've lost 18 pounds. That can't be right.
Baseball player #2: That's a child.
Baseball player #1: It's not even an infant, that's a toddler.
Baseball player #2: That's a bid kid.

Texas

Baseball player #1: Hey, what's going on?
Baseball player #2: It's a Texas thing, you wouldn't understand.

Big and Strong

Baseball player: [He is maybe 160 pounds dripping wet.] *Sings* Gotta get my big and strong juice! Gotta get my big and strong juice!

Great Authors

Question of the day: Who invented the words "gloomy", "hobnob", and "impartial"?

Answer: William Shakespeare 

Baseball player : Nebeneezer Scrooge

Shopping at Kohl's

Baseball player #1: Yeah, [baseball player #2], I had you pegged from day one. You walked in and I tuned to [baseball player #3] and said, 'He totally shops at Kohl's.'

Crossing Boarders

Baseball player: [Holds up a bag of Mrs. Baird's 'Texas Toast' bread] Texas toast in Louisiana!? How is this possible!?

Lifetime Movies

Question of the Day: Which would kill you first - going 14 days without food or going 10 days without sleep?
Answer: Ten days without sleep.

Baseball player: [After correctly guessing]. Yes! I knew watching all of those Lifetime movies with my mom would pay off sometime!

Spear Hunting

Baseball player #1: Spear hunting would be so legit. Think about it. Bringing down a woolly mammoth.
Baseball player #2: I watched something on TV once. People in Africa spear hunting hippos. Looked like a freakin' porcupine.
Baseball player #1: Then you have to pull the spear out, raise it above your head, and let out your war cry! [Proceeds to raise his arms above his head, do a "war cry", and hop around]

Charcoal Pills

Baseball player #1: You need to order some charcoal pills. I need to detox my arm and get all of the swelling out.
Baseball player #2: Yeah, and my stomach hurts so I think I need them, too.
Baseball player #1: And then I can take them and my poop will turn black and I can look at it.

Good Luck Charms

At a baseball game, one of the guys takes a sleeping cat out of his gear bag and proceeds to walk around the dugout until each member of the team and coaching staff has touched it.

Me: [Baseball player], why is there a cat being passed around the dugout?
Baseball player: That's Furr-nando, our good luck charm who isn't doing his job right now. It's an actual dead cat, ya know.
Me: An actual, dead, stuffed cat? Are you serious?
Baseball player: On my honor. Its eyes and nose are fake but everything else is real.

The actual cat -

Cup Check

During a baseball game, one of the guys comes over and (no so subtly) adjusts his cup.

ATC working with me: You know now that he did that, he's going to wear a line-drive before the game is over. 

Sausages

Me: Just don't sleep with your Ace wrap on; your fingers will swell up and look like sausages.
Baseball player: So that's why I woke up and my hand was huge! I thought I was just getting old.

"Can I Stim My Brain?"

Baseball player: So last night, I took my portable TENS unit and we hooked up the electrodes to my buddy's face. On his cheeks, right by his eyes. Then we cranked it up - it was so awesome!

Curls for the Girls

Baseball player: I go home and do curls all night long. Right arm only. Don't need the left.

Marsupials

After discussing what qualifies an animal to be a marsupial:

Baseball player: Rach, you're a marsupial. Know why? Because you have a fanny pack. And that's technically a pouch.

Step-Apostle

Question of the day:

Which two of the New Testament Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) do not tell the story of Jesus' birth?

Answer: Mark and John

Baseball player: Ugh. I thought it was Luke. No one ever talks about him. He's like the step-brother in that family.

Jewish "12 Days of Christmas"

Baseball player: But I'm Jewish. Oh, wait. I got it- (singing in tune)  On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a 401k invested nicely!

Baseball Diet

Baseball guy: I'm tryin' to make you 6'3", 230 pounds of jacked and you repay me by drinking A-1? Lift up your shirt and show them what one Coke does to a body.

West Texas vs. Social Norms

Background on my university - we are a business school. The only majors offered are in the business world and that's it. With that said, there are a lot of presentations, which means people have to dress up to make these presentations. A baseball guy comes in, visibly upset about how his presentation went. He is in a stiff white shirt, tie, dark wash jeans, and boots (this is necessary info, promise).

Baseball player: Rachel, does it look like I've cleaned up? I mean, I look nice, right? 

Me: Yeah...

Baseball player: Well, I just got done giving a kick-ass presentation, only I got a B because the professor said that I wasn't "dressed professionally". I don't know what she means; I'm from West Texas for crying out loud! This is dressed up. I can say that I spent more time starching my jeans than she did getting ready this morning.

Karaoke

Baseball guy #1: I guess you'd say, what can make me feel this way? WAAAAATERRRRR!!! Talkin' 'bout WATER!

Baseball guys #2-4: OOOOOOoooooOOOOOO yeah, WATER!

Baseball guy #1: (now singing much higher) OOOOOOOOO, BABY! YEEEEEEAHHH....WATER!