I May Be Out of a Job Soon

Men's soccer player: [Talking to a teammate doing rehab] Hey.. I took "Prevention of Athletic Injuries" at my old school. I know this stuff. [Pointing] Elbow...thumb...wrist. DON'T LET YOUR HEEL PASS YOUR TOES! BAD FORM!! You're going to get hurt. Can I tape your ankle?

Internal Organs

Question of the Day: The surface area of which internal organ is roughly the size of a tennis court?
Men's soccer player: Epiglottis

Answer: Lungs

Getting Cut

Men's Soccer Player #1: What is that stuff? Steroids?
Men's Soccer Player #2: Naw, man. Whey protein.
Men's Soccer Player #1: Tryin' to get big, get swoll?
Men's Soccer Player #2: No...just cut.
Men's Soccer Player #3: C'mere and I'll draw on the lines.

Heat Packs

Men's soccer player comes into heat his quad. The process of getting a heat pack is:

• Step 1: Get a heat pack cover off the drying rack. Open it like a book, so the Velcro is facing up.
• Step 2: Using the tongs, reach into the hydroculator (where we keep the heat packs in almost-boiling water) and pull out the heat pack that matches the size of your cover.
• Step 3: Lay the heat pack flat on one side of the cover and then fold the other side on top, matching Velcro to Velcro.
• Step 4: Have a seat and place the heat pack over sore area for no more than 15 minutes.

His process of getting the heating pack was:

• Step 1: Reach into hydroculator and pull out the heat pack that is fully submerged.
• Step 2: Fling the heat pack on the ground, grab a cover that is too small, and try and pick it up quickly, thinking I didn't see.
• Step 3: Takes the too-big hot pack and the too-small cover to the table, folds the hot pack in half, puts it directly on his skin, and covers it with the cover.
• Step 4: Jumps off the table, swearing about how he just burned his leg.

Me: [Soccer guy #1], are you alright? It's just a hot pack. It's not that difficult. And you've done this before the correct way.

Soccer guy #2: Come on, Rach, it's [Soccer guy #1]. Of course it's that difficult. 

Geometry 101

During our agility workout:

Men's coach: So you're going to be making a trapezoid.
Soccer player: What's a trapezoid? No, seriously, what's that?

Tic Tacs

Soccer player: Hey Rach, can you pass me that Tic Tac stuff?
Me: White or green Tic Tacs?
Soccer player: White. The green ones smell too much like my grandparents. I don't want to smell old.

He was talking about our icy hot cream. 

In-Season Weights

Soccer player #1: We're in season, so is that why you're doing curls with a five pound dumbbell?
Soccer player #2: [CENSORED] no, man! You know this is my heavy weight. I'm getting swoll!

The American Way

Male drug tester: [On the phone] Yeah, I'm just sitting here at a drug testing. We had ten come in and bam-bam-bam, done except for the second to last one. We'll just blame it on the fact that he's French and hasn't leaned to pee the American way.
Femal drug tester: We pee on command here in this country.

Sandwiches

Soccer guy #1: Dude...sandwiches are so good.
Soccer guy #2: Yeah, you don't realize how good they are until you eat them.

Gun Show

Soccer guy sitting on a bench in our gym. Facing the mirror, flexing his biceps, smiling, and nodding his head at his reflection in the mirror. As soon as he sees me, he stops, gets up, and walks away like nothing happened.

Always Entertaining

Visiting soccer guy (soccer guy #1) comes into the training room before the game to get pre-game treatment. I hook him up to the e-stim machine and a heat pack. His friend (soccer guy #2) is on the next table and finishes his treatment about 30 seconds before soccer guy #1.

Me: (Looking at soccer guy #2) That beep means you're done.
Soccer guy #1 starts peeling the still-active electrodes off and gets them stuck to his fingers.
Me: (Looking at soccer guy #1) Don't touch those. You're not done yet.
Soccer guy #1: What do you mea-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! What's going on!!?!?! Aaaahhhh!!!!

Blessings From Above

Soccer guy: Look, guys! A tumbleweed! Come to us, tumbleweed, come and bestow your blessing upon us.
Tumbleweed tumbles over, brushes past a couple of them, and then continues on its way.
Soccer guy: We have all been blessed by the tumbleweed.

National Anthem

While listening to the National Anthem before the game:

Soccer guy: Jose? Who's Jose?