Tic Tacs

Soccer player: Hey Rach, can you pass me that Tic Tac stuff?
Me: White or green Tic Tacs?
Soccer player: White. The green ones smell too much like my grandparents. I don't want to smell old.

He was talking about our icy hot cream. 

Bananas

Soccer player: Rach, I have a problem. I'm all clogged up. I haven't pooped in two days. I think it's because I ate way too many bananas.
Me: How many have you had?
Soccer player: Like...four a day. I'm trying to stay hydrated!!
Me: Have you had any water to drink outside of practices?
Soccer player: No...I thought I'd be okay if I just ate bananas.

In-Season Weights

Soccer player #1: We're in season, so is that why you're doing curls with a five pound dumbbell?
Soccer player #2: [CENSORED] no, man! You know this is my heavy weight. I'm getting swoll!

Chicken - The Other Red Meat

I'm back! After a long hiatus (thanks to baseball postseason, softball postseason, and a mission trip), I will be sharing more shenanigans, hi-jinx, and otherwise unbelievable things that my athletes do and say. 

Today's gem is brought to you by the women's soccer team.

Me: [Giving advice about what to eat and not eat during our three-a-days stretch] Stay away for heavy foods, like lots of red meat, cream sauces, or anything fried.

Soccer player: So, wait. Is chicken considered a red meat?

It's going to be a fun year :)

Sausages Part II

Tracklete [talking about his injured hamstring]: It feels like sausage.

Shopping at Kohl's

Baseball player #1: Yeah, [baseball player #2], I had you pegged from day one. You walked in and I tuned to [baseball player #3] and said, 'He totally shops at Kohl's.'

Crossing Boarders

Baseball player: [Holds up a bag of Mrs. Baird's 'Texas Toast' bread] Texas toast in Louisiana!? How is this possible!?

The American Way

Male drug tester: [On the phone] Yeah, I'm just sitting here at a drug testing. We had ten come in and bam-bam-bam, done except for the second to last one. We'll just blame it on the fact that he's French and hasn't leaned to pee the American way.
Femal drug tester: We pee on command here in this country.

Drugs

Soccer girl: Oh my gosh, Rachel. I'm so drugged out of my mind right now. I took Nyquil at 11am since I couldn't sleep last night. Like, I'm so tired that I can't sleep but I want to. So now I'm here because I thought we had practice at 2 but we don't. It's at 4. But I feel fuzzy. [Pause] I think I'm going to go stick my head in the ice machine for a while. That will help.

Making Things Awkward

Softball girl: I hate it when guys scratch their junk in front of me. So, I figured out a way to make things uncomfortable around them. When they'd scratch their junk, I'd scratch my boob. They would get mad at me so I'd tell 'em, "Well, don't scratch your hee-haw in front of me."