The American Way

Male drug tester: [On the phone] Yeah, I'm just sitting here at a drug testing. We had ten come in and bam-bam-bam, done except for the second to last one. We'll just blame it on the fact that he's French and hasn't leaned to pee the American way.
Femal drug tester: We pee on command here in this country.

Drugs

Soccer girl: Oh my gosh, Rachel. I'm so drugged out of my mind right now. I took Nyquil at 11am since I couldn't sleep last night. Like, I'm so tired that I can't sleep but I want to. So now I'm here because I thought we had practice at 2 but we don't. It's at 4. But I feel fuzzy. [Pause] I think I'm going to go stick my head in the ice machine for a while. That will help.

Making Things Awkward

Softball girl: I hate it when guys scratch their junk in front of me. So, I figured out a way to make things uncomfortable around them. When they'd scratch their junk, I'd scratch my boob. They would get mad at me so I'd tell 'em, "Well, don't scratch your hee-haw in front of me."

Lifetime Movies

Question of the Day: Which would kill you first - going 14 days without food or going 10 days without sleep?
Answer: Ten days without sleep.

Baseball player: [After correctly guessing]. Yes! I knew watching all of those Lifetime movies with my mom would pay off sometime!