I May Be Out of a Job Soon

Men's soccer player: [Talking to a teammate doing rehab] Hey.. I took "Prevention of Athletic Injuries" at my old school. I know this stuff. [Pointing] Elbow...thumb...wrist. DON'T LET YOUR HEEL PASS YOUR TOES! BAD FORM!! You're going to get hurt. Can I tape your ankle?

CrossFit Friends

One of the CrossFitters is performing in a Christmas production at her church and has invited some of us to attend. She continues the story:

CrossFit girl #1: So I told my friends in the production that I invited y'all and they were unsure about y'all coming. There were afraid that you would sit in the audience and get too intense.
CrossFit girl #2: Yeah, they're right. We'd just start yelling encouragement at you for no reason. "YOU HIT THAT HIGH NOTE! YEAH! GET SOME!!"
CrossFit girl #1: "DO THAT ARABESQUE!" Yeah, y'all might need to tone it down.

Texas

Baseball player #1: Hey, what's going on?
Baseball player #2: It's a Texas thing, you wouldn't understand.

Internal Organs

Question of the Day: The surface area of which internal organ is roughly the size of a tennis court?
Men's soccer player: Epiglottis

Answer: Lungs

Ready to Go

Getting ready for the conference final playoff:
Women's soccer player: I've had two massages from Rachel and I've pooped. I'm ready to go!

Big and Strong

Baseball player: [He is maybe 160 pounds dripping wet.] *Sings* Gotta get my big and strong juice! Gotta get my big and strong juice!

Getting Cut

Men's Soccer Player #1: What is that stuff? Steroids?
Men's Soccer Player #2: Naw, man. Whey protein.
Men's Soccer Player #1: Tryin' to get big, get swoll?
Men's Soccer Player #2: No...just cut.
Men's Soccer Player #3: C'mere and I'll draw on the lines.

Scoops

Discussing the softball team's efforts to raise awareness about breast cancer:
Me: It's a good idea - "Save the Scoops" and ice cream. I haven't seen that one before.
Male ATC: They gave me a pink ribbon for my buttpack. [Grabs both of his pecs] I don't have boobs.

Heat Packs

Men's soccer player comes into heat his quad. The process of getting a heat pack is:

• Step 1: Get a heat pack cover off the drying rack. Open it like a book, so the Velcro is facing up.
• Step 2: Using the tongs, reach into the hydroculator (where we keep the heat packs in almost-boiling water) and pull out the heat pack that matches the size of your cover.
• Step 3: Lay the heat pack flat on one side of the cover and then fold the other side on top, matching Velcro to Velcro.
• Step 4: Have a seat and place the heat pack over sore area for no more than 15 minutes.

His process of getting the heating pack was:

• Step 1: Reach into hydroculator and pull out the heat pack that is fully submerged.
• Step 2: Fling the heat pack on the ground, grab a cover that is too small, and try and pick it up quickly, thinking I didn't see.
• Step 3: Takes the too-big hot pack and the too-small cover to the table, folds the hot pack in half, puts it directly on his skin, and covers it with the cover.
• Step 4: Jumps off the table, swearing about how he just burned his leg.

Me: [Soccer guy #1], are you alright? It's just a hot pack. It's not that difficult. And you've done this before the correct way.

Soccer guy #2: Come on, Rach, it's [Soccer guy #1]. Of course it's that difficult. 

Geometry 101

During our agility workout:

Men's coach: So you're going to be making a trapezoid.
Soccer player: What's a trapezoid? No, seriously, what's that?

Desperate Times

Soccer girl: Rach, just so you know, I locked my keys and jacket in your office last night after the game. Don't worry though, I managed to crawl through your office window and I got everything. 

Great Authors

Question of the day: Who invented the words "gloomy", "hobnob", and "impartial"?

Answer: William Shakespeare 

Baseball player : Nebeneezer Scrooge

Tic Tacs

Soccer player: Hey Rach, can you pass me that Tic Tac stuff?
Me: White or green Tic Tacs?
Soccer player: White. The green ones smell too much like my grandparents. I don't want to smell old.

He was talking about our icy hot cream. 

Bananas

Soccer player: Rach, I have a problem. I'm all clogged up. I haven't pooped in two days. I think it's because I ate way too many bananas.
Me: How many have you had?
Soccer player: Like...four a day. I'm trying to stay hydrated!!
Me: Have you had any water to drink outside of practices?
Soccer player: No...I thought I'd be okay if I just ate bananas.

In-Season Weights

Soccer player #1: We're in season, so is that why you're doing curls with a five pound dumbbell?
Soccer player #2: [CENSORED] no, man! You know this is my heavy weight. I'm getting swoll!

Chicken - The Other Red Meat

I'm back! After a long hiatus (thanks to baseball postseason, softball postseason, and a mission trip), I will be sharing more shenanigans, hi-jinx, and otherwise unbelievable things that my athletes do and say. 

Today's gem is brought to you by the women's soccer team.

Me: [Giving advice about what to eat and not eat during our three-a-days stretch] Stay away for heavy foods, like lots of red meat, cream sauces, or anything fried.

Soccer player: So, wait. Is chicken considered a red meat?

It's going to be a fun year :)

Sausages Part II

Tracklete [talking about his injured hamstring]: It feels like sausage.

Shopping at Kohl's

Baseball player #1: Yeah, [baseball player #2], I had you pegged from day one. You walked in and I tuned to [baseball player #3] and said, 'He totally shops at Kohl's.'

Crossing Boarders

Baseball player: [Holds up a bag of Mrs. Baird's 'Texas Toast' bread] Texas toast in Louisiana!? How is this possible!?

The American Way

Male drug tester: [On the phone] Yeah, I'm just sitting here at a drug testing. We had ten come in and bam-bam-bam, done except for the second to last one. We'll just blame it on the fact that he's French and hasn't leaned to pee the American way.
Femal drug tester: We pee on command here in this country.

Drugs

Soccer girl: Oh my gosh, Rachel. I'm so drugged out of my mind right now. I took Nyquil at 11am since I couldn't sleep last night. Like, I'm so tired that I can't sleep but I want to. So now I'm here because I thought we had practice at 2 but we don't. It's at 4. But I feel fuzzy. [Pause] I think I'm going to go stick my head in the ice machine for a while. That will help.

Making Things Awkward

Softball girl: I hate it when guys scratch their junk in front of me. So, I figured out a way to make things uncomfortable around them. When they'd scratch their junk, I'd scratch my boob. They would get mad at me so I'd tell 'em, "Well, don't scratch your hee-haw in front of me."

Lifetime Movies

Question of the Day: Which would kill you first - going 14 days without food or going 10 days without sleep?
Answer: Ten days without sleep.

Baseball player: [After correctly guessing]. Yes! I knew watching all of those Lifetime movies with my mom would pay off sometime!

Robots

Tracklete #1: Rachel, tell Coach that I'm too injury prone to do any more events! I'm a walking time-bomb!
Me: Biomechanically speaking, you probably shouldn't be throwing the javelin or discus.
Tracklete #2: She's not a robot!!

Whales

Tracklete #1: Do you know what animal sees by using infrared light?
Tracklete #2: WHALES!!

Spear Hunting

Baseball player #1: Spear hunting would be so legit. Think about it. Bringing down a woolly mammoth.
Baseball player #2: I watched something on TV once. People in Africa spear hunting hippos. Looked like a freakin' porcupine.
Baseball player #1: Then you have to pull the spear out, raise it above your head, and let out your war cry! [Proceeds to raise his arms above his head, do a "war cry", and hop around]

Sandwiches

Soccer guy #1: Dude...sandwiches are so good.
Soccer guy #2: Yeah, you don't realize how good they are until you eat them.

Charcoal Pills

Baseball player #1: You need to order some charcoal pills. I need to detox my arm and get all of the swelling out.
Baseball player #2: Yeah, and my stomach hurts so I think I need them, too.
Baseball player #1: And then I can take them and my poop will turn black and I can look at it.

Soccer 101

The team had to run punishment sprints at the end of practice -

Soccer girl: Where's the six yard box?

Good Luck Charms

At a baseball game, one of the guys takes a sleeping cat out of his gear bag and proceeds to walk around the dugout until each member of the team and coaching staff has touched it.

Me: [Baseball player], why is there a cat being passed around the dugout?
Baseball player: That's Furr-nando, our good luck charm who isn't doing his job right now. It's an actual dead cat, ya know.
Me: An actual, dead, stuffed cat? Are you serious?
Baseball player: On my honor. Its eyes and nose are fake but everything else is real.

The actual cat -

Cup Check

During a baseball game, one of the guys comes over and (no so subtly) adjusts his cup.

ATC working with me: You know now that he did that, he's going to wear a line-drive before the game is over. 

Gun Show

Soccer guy sitting on a bench in our gym. Facing the mirror, flexing his biceps, smiling, and nodding his head at his reflection in the mirror. As soon as he sees me, he stops, gets up, and walks away like nothing happened.

Sausages

Me: Just don't sleep with your Ace wrap on; your fingers will swell up and look like sausages.
Baseball player: So that's why I woke up and my hand was huge! I thought I was just getting old.

Famous Last Words

Rock climber #1: Okay, here's the 5.10. Any last words?
Rock climber #2: Yeah...watch this!
Rock climber #3: Look what I can do!

"Can I Stim My Brain?"

Baseball player: So last night, I took my portable TENS unit and we hooked up the electrodes to my buddy's face. On his cheeks, right by his eyes. Then we cranked it up - it was so awesome!

Medical History Questionnaire

Question on our medical history form - Do you experience shortness of breath with exercise?


Softball girl: Yes, just from being out of shape.

Professional Hydration Expert

Softball girl: Why are you standing by the water? You're making me nervous.

Me: Because I'm a professional hydration expert.

Softball girl: Really? Is it hard to learn to be that? 

Curls for the Girls

Baseball player: I go home and do curls all night long. Right arm only. Don't need the left.